The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

6th April,

They say ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and it turns out that is true. After months of trying and failing to sew myself a pair of trousers that fit me reasonably well, I finally have a pair. Not, I hasten to add, because I have had some incredible sewing breakthrough, but because sitting on my backside home-schooling the kids for those few of months while eating pancakes and crisps has increased my girth sufficiently to fill the pair I made that were previously too big. I have grown into them shall we say. Luckily I didn’t throw them away as they are now one of only 3 pairs of trousers I currently own that don’t cut off the blood supply to my legs, feet and other important places. Sadly they aren’t really suitable for wearing in public due to something going hideously wrong with a home dye kit and leaving them a rather shocking bright green colour with some rusty looking brown patches, it’s not a great look, even for someone with as little fashion sense as me. I still wear them around the house though as I can breathe, sit and bend down in them without fear of doing myself a mischief, I am all about comfort these days. Mark says they make me look like Kermit the frog.

With a view to fitting back into all my other pairs of trousers and jeans I am now back to walking everyday, eating healthily and intermittent fasting on the 18/6 method which is so hard in house full of unsupervised Easter eggs – the kids are too trusting. I have to do something drastic, otherwise my only option is to buy a whole new set of slightly bigger clothes, which admittedly would be very tempting if all the money wasn’t going on doing the house up. (I now have a brand new wardrobe in which to hang all my clothes that don’t fit me anymore) I know it’s an age thing, shaking up the old hormones once again for a final hurrah. Bloody hormones, bloody peri menopause. Part of me wants to just accept the 40 something age I am, say sod it, upsize all my clothes and embrace the chocolate but I can’t, eating chocolate worries me as I am terrified of rotting my teeth and ending up back at the dentist crying and dribbling like a big baby while I have another filling. Which brings me back to the only option I have left – Exercise, abstinence and avocados. Luckily the arrival of spring means that not only will the exercise do me good physically the beauty of the season is incredibly good for my mental health, I can definitely feel the benefits already.

I am pleased to report I have done better with my meditation lately, I managed to do it every morning for 7 days until yesterday when I overslept, I only realised I had forgotten when I was getting into bed last night and then it was too late (I can’t meditate when I am tired as I drop off and fall over) That’s the result of staying up until stupid O Clock drinking Prosecco the night before while watching re runs of Midsummer Murders and Agatha Christie. The intermittent fasting was conveniently forgotten too in favour of tucking into a fair few bags of some rather nice balsamic flavoured pea snacks sometime around midnight. It seems I am not quite ready to resist temptation even for the sake of my skinny jeans. Must try harder.

**********

My Grandad is now heavily sedated and filled with painkillers to keep him comfortable. He is unresponsive, Alzheimer’s has taken him, he won’t recover, he can’t. This is the final stage for him and he is in a world far away from us. My Grandad has gone but not gone. It breaks my heart and I can do nothing to help him.

The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

9th March

I have to say a huge thank you to the British weather this week for making a valiant effort to bolster my sinking spirits with glorious sunshine, lots of blue sky and none of that wet stuff which all too often falls heavily from thick grey clouds. I know it’s a bit cliche to talk about the weather but this perfectly timed and particularly bright spell has really helped me to start pulling myself out of the doldrums and recover some normalcy. This morning for the first time this year I hung the washing on the line with bare feet. OK that sounds weird, I didn’t hang the washing up with my feet, I did it with my hands but I took my shoes and socks off while I stood on the grass to do it. A few years ago I read some articles about how grounding / earthing might be beneficial in reducing stress and depression while also possibly boosting your immune system and improving cardiovascular health. It seems that it’s an under researched area and not much has been proved but I thought I might as well give it a go. It’s free, easy, outdoors and it might actually help me feel better, it also has no unpleasant side effects…… apart from really cold feet when it’s frosty like this morning.

It’s very strange having the kids back at school, I felt quite unhappy about it at first but I keep telling myself that the levels of the virus are low down here in Cornwall at the moment and we can always rethink if it starts to rise exponentially. My tendency to worry excessively and slip into catastrophic thinking is finding plenty of material to work with right now, in fact the whole pandemic has provided enough material for a lifetime. I regularly have to deal with thoughts such as ‘everyone I love will catch Coronavirus and die’ and regardless of how many times the rational part of my thinking tells me that this is not true, the irrational part of me screams ‘everyone will die!’ I can laugh at it a bit now (just a bit, but it’s a start) because, thanks to a podcast I listened to on Sunday called ‘how to tame your inner critic’ I have given that voice a name. Please let me introduce Madame Fanny Farquar the crazy lady who lives in my head. It’s quite refreshing to give that voice an identity which is not me. Fanny has verbal diarrhea, she talks a lot! She has an gloomy opinion about anything and everything and is a massive pain in the arse, especially at night when she can command my undivided attention. The name Fanny sprang to mind immediately as I listened to the podcast, it seemed right, I don’t know anyone called Fanny so it doesn’t feel offensive and also because it is a nice bit of alliteration when she gets a bit much and I am forced to use the ultimate coping strategy and say the words “F**K OFF Fanny!”

Now I just need to ignore my inner voice telling me off for swearing.

The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

February 23rd

Dear Diary

Work, wine and weeping.

Bring back half term! Oh how I miss those precious days free from the torture of fronted adverbials, balancing fractions and trying to get Agatha to read the word ‘Had’, can you sound out H-A-D Agatha? what word is it? the response – Pat? hat? hand? I am extremely impressed at the patience of teachers, I wouldn’t want to be one for all the long summer holidays and money in the world. My eldest daughter diligently ploughs her way through her work requiring very little input from me, her younger sisters not so, they will only work under constant supervision and when cornered like rats in a trap. It’s very emotionally draining and extremely time consuming. They are stroppy, impatient and argumentative which pushes all of my own stroppy, impatient and argumentative buttons. Predictably everything falls apart very quickly and I totally understand why online wine sales have soared during lockdown. By the end of the day I am more than ready to weep into a large glass of sauvignon, but I can’t as I am trying to be good by not drinking on school nights.

Monday morning meditation

In the euphoric giddiness the freedom from school teams meetings gave me my morning routine went out of the window. I didn’t meditate once all week which wasn’t great and I feel really disappointed with myself. Sitting down to meditate on Monday morning was like opening a cupboard full of crap in my brain, stacks of negative thoughts came tumbling out. My mind completely bypassed the task in hand and instead seized the opportunity to over think each and every one in rapid succession. Coronavirus mutations, schools reopening, long covid prevalence and whether or not I was going to freak out when I had my vaccine (I hate needles). By the time I was 8 minutes into the session I felt totally stressed out and was then forced to give up the attempt entirely when a row erupted over an online game in the bedroom overhead. The two eldest girls had fallen out over a virtual helicopter and were gearing up to fight to the death over it. I had to leg it upstairs and read the riot act before blood was shed.

Morning routines rock!

Sad though I am that half term is over I am feeling positive about getting back to a decent morning routine, weirdly I did miss having a sense of order to the start of the day and much as I enjoyed laying in bed late it wasn’t helping me mentally. I have also read recently that having a good morning routine has loads of benefits, such as increased productivity, lowering stress, boosting energy and improving confidence. Impressive right? I am someone who works well with a routine even if I like to pretend I am too cool to need one. I am keen to re establish my meditation practice (without the incessant negative thinking) and re start some regular exercise, I really need it. Running is currently off again due to somehow managing to hurt my back by falling asleep on the sofa on Friday night and I have developed a painful knee out of nowhere for no apparent reason #middleAgeProblems. So in the absence of other options I thought an early morning walk would be a good idea.

Swapping sleeping for a sunrise

The beautiful sunrise this morning aided my intention to get up earlier and I was up and out for a brisk walk by 7.20am. It was bliss! I saw my first Dandelion flower of the year and what I believe were clumps of sorrel starting to grow, (I will go back with my foraging book) the birds were singing away and I had a nice chat with a lady walking her dog. I felt like I could have marched on for miles quite happily, sadly time was against that. I had to rush to get back and prise the kids off their ipads in order to get them breakfasted and ready for their school meetings at 9am. But, those 40 minutes I snatched out of sleep time were wonderful, I came back feeling invigorated and uplifted. I hopped into the shower full of gratitude for the lighter mornings and hope for the coming spring. Long may this positive feeling continue, I like it a lot! Morning routines rock!

We have a wonderful view over our little city

The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

17th February

Dear Diary,

Laughter is the best medicine

Half term is upon us and I for one am thoroughly enjoying not being a teacher this week! My mood has improved significantly and the printer is still in one piece (it’s on it’s last warning though). Last night I had a couple of large G & Ts to celebrate it not being a school night and Mark and I watched a load of episodes of ‘Superstore’ on Netflix, it’s lighthearted, amusing and it doesn’t give me nightmares, which is just what I need right now. Last night it made me laugh out loud and I mean properly laugh! I won’t try to pretend the 2 large Gins didn’t contribute. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I had tears in my eyes, I carried on like that for about a quarter of an hour. What’s makes that even better than just the sheer enjoyment of laughing, is knowing that laughter is so good for you! my 15 minute bout of laughter may actually have boosted my immune system, released a load of endorphins in brain and burned around 40 calories! Win, win, win!

Tidy house’ Tidy mind

The Daffodils have decided it’s time to bloom, the Primroses are popping up and there are crows in the park collecting sticks for their nests. The season is changing and I am once more turning my attentions towards the tidying up, albeit reluctantly. I have been feeling more and more irritated by the clutter in this house. I suppose it’s the effect of lockdown, but a little read about the psychological impact of of mess and the benefits of getting rid of it (I knew all this anyway but have been in denial) have made me determined to harness the seasonal energy and have a spring clean. The problem I have to overcome is that I am a clean and tidy minimalist trapped inside the body of of an lazy, inveterate hoarder, I must fight the inclination to procrastinate about this and strike while the iron is hot.

The major catalyst of this new found desire for a tidy home has been the erection of the new bookshelves in the dining room. Mark put them up over the weekend, they cover one whole wall and look fantastic now they are loaded with books! The room smells of new furniture, a very pleasing scent and I am beyond excited about having my precious books all together again! I spent many happy hours yesterday ignoring the children’s squabbling while I shifted stacks of books from their temporary storage in cupboards and corners all over the house, then arranged them over and over again until I was pleased with the ordering. I even got a sweat on while shifting them all about so I am counting my efforts as a workout both mentally and physically.

My beloved books now in their forever home.

Gallstones and Gluttony

Speaking of workouts I went for a run again on Sunday morning (more endorphins being released) I saw a Kingfisher on the river which was a lovely reward for dragging myself out in the cold and wet. Nature is such a tonic and to see a Kingfisher on the edge of town is rare and beautiful treat, I squealed a bit with delight! It wasn’t the best run I have ever had though, my legs were still sore from running on Thursday and my gallstones were giving me a fair bit greif which meant pain with every impact. Mark and I had treated ourselves to a chinese takeaway on Friday night as an early valentine’s celebration. We did go a bit crazy because we had piles of leftovers for Saturday night, my plate was piled up so much I was still picking at it 3 hours later, my stomach protested at the sheer volume I consumed and I had to unbutton my trousers. My gallbladder wasn’t impressed either and woke me up at 2am to let me know exactly how displeased it was with griping pain radiating throughout my torso and a lot of sweating, yuk. Gallstones are not much fun. I lay in bed regretting my gluttony and vowing never again will I eat so much stodge. Vegetable stir fries and lots of water on the menu this week and maybe next week as well.

Sunday morning run

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

3rd May

Dear Diary

Todays mood has been pretty good. I woke up at 4.50 this morning after having a very weird and unsettling dream. I didn’t mind though, it was good to get out of the dream and I had set my alarm for 5am anyway as today was National Dawn chorus day! After opening the window, I lay in bed looking at the dark sky (we still haven’t got around to putting the curtains back up) At first it was silent and then I heard Seagulls in the distance very faintly, I am not sure what bird joined after that but gradually they all began to sing. It was beautiful and I am so glad I woke up for it.

We went for a walk this morning, all of us, even Mark! It was lovely to get out. It has been weeks since we had a walk together. I loved seeing all the flowers and plants, how much everything has changed since out last walk on April 4th. I felt like I couldn’t look at everything enough, I have heard the expression ‘drinking in the sights’ I get it now, it was like I couldn’t quench my thirst. My eyes were darting everywhere, plants, trees, leaves, droplets of water on a tulip, everything was a sight to be treasured. I felt truly happy on that walk.

I actually remembered to list my 5 positive things a few times today. I managed to catch a few negative thoughts and I quickly hurried those dark thoughts away with 5 positives. When I was listing them I stood upright, shoulders back, chin up and I smiled. I also did my pelvic floor clenches as I always forget them, not that a few will help but it’s a start. Dinner was good this evening too – very healthy and tasty. All in all today has been a good day, I feel gratitude.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

21st March

Dear Diary,

We went for a walk through the woods to the beach today, I thought we should all get out and have some fresh air. It was very overcast and the wind was quite bracing, the waves were breaking very close to the shore and occasionally we could feel the spray on our faces. Agatha was a bit frightened of the waves and the wind so she whinged a fair bit. For a short time it felt almost normal and took my mind off what is going on. We only saw a few other people, although it wasn’t the best weather for the beach. I enjoyed seeing the buds on the trees and the fresh green Alexanders popping up along the path, I saw some cyclamen and celandine too, very welcome signs of spring.

We had to drop some paint over to Marks parents who are self isolating. Myself and kids stayed in the car and we chatted to them through the window while Mark unloaded the paint and re loaded with some logs they gave us. It feels so strange doing these things. It’s like reality comes in waves, one minute I sort of forget whats happening and feel OK, then the enormity of what is going to happen hits me and I feel sick. I can literally feel the panic rise inside inside me and tears rush to my eyes as I struggle to take deep breaths and try to calm myself down because my heart is beating too hard. I know I have to hold it together in front of the kids, I can’t bear to think of them being afraid like I am.

I did my mediation today, I am determined to get a 30 day streak and hopefully start feeling the benefit. I need something to calm me down right now! I know being stressed is only going to make everything worse, being stressed means I am thinking too much I know that. Problem is I stress out about being stressed out because I worry that the more I stress the more strain I put on my body and that can impact my immune system….then I stress that I am going to die of corona virus just because I am too stressed out and I can’t calm down…..then my head explodes, or at least it feels like it might. I kind of wish I could have a large glass of wine.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

March 16th

Dear Diary,

Had to go to the shops today, 3 supermarkets to get what I needed, although that is not unusual at the best of times. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be though, apart from not being able to buy more than 4 of the fruit and veg puree pouches Agatha likes. Its the only fruit and veg she will eat regularly. I usually buy 10 at a time and today I had 6 taken off me at the checkout, I felt like a naughty kid. And talking of naughty kids, I really don’t know why I am bothering with washing my hands all the time, today Agatha kept licking trolley handles, hand rails and tins of food and then when I lifted her into the car she coughed right into my eyeballs, splattering me with spit, she coughs in my face while I sleep too so I am probably doomed.

Woke up at 6 to see light in the room, a totally clear sky meant for the first time this year it wasn’t dark when the alarm went off, it wasn’t total daylight but very close. We went to Trelissick (National Trust) after school as it was such perfect weather, we met friends and had a walk to the beach where the kids built dams in a stream that comes out there. It is our first after school beach trip this year and it was great to have a break from the constant news updates on how many people have died. Getting out into a the countryside is like therapy for me! It soothes and calms me, for a short time it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I kept looking around, bowled over by how beautiful everything is now that spring is here and thinking how distant all the madness seemed when the water was sparkling and the low sun was making everything golden. I didn’t want to leave. I am so grateful for that moment of peace.

With all my panic and anxiety I totally forgot to mention my cold showers and how they have become a lot more dramatic! we have lived in this house for nearly 10 years and our water pressure has always been rubbish. On Saturday South west water came out and removed the limiter from our water supply and now we have incredible pressure! so much pressure that the kids get soaked every time they wash their hands. The shower which hasn’t been working properly, now has a new lease of life. It turns out it just didn’t have enough pressure to work. Sunday morning I turned the dial to cold and was nearly blown out of the bath by the sudden increase in pressure. The cold came through pretty much instantly and it took my breath away, it was bloody freezing. I spluttered my way though 1.5 minutes and that was all I could take, I managed the same again today. I think it may be a while before I make it over 2 minutes again. It certainly wakes me up!

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

March 14th

Dear Diary,

Our 10k obstacle race was supposed to be today, it was postponed due to Corona virus so I was able to do the local Park run again. I really enjoyed it. We beat our time from last week by 2 minutes which felt brilliant, next week we need to beat 37 minutes. I love running through the trees listening to the birds singing and seeing all the spring flowers that are popping up everywhere. We stopped for a drink in the cafe too, I am rather fond of having a cup of tea in cafes because it’s the only time I allow myself to have a biscuit now.

I have been meditating everyday thanks to the constant alarms going off to remind me. I don’t feel the benefit yet and today I felt very sleepy again. My quality of sleep had been slightly better in the last few days but it dropped off again last night. Annoyingly the sleep report said alcohol and cigarettes cause sleep disruptions, I was really cross about that! I don’t smoke and haven’t had a drink for more than 70 days.

I haven’t managed to keep up the phone cold turkey. I have checked it a few times today to see if there is any change in whats happening regarding the Corona virus. I see lots of people aren’t happy that schools haven’t been closed in the UK. I am not sure what to think anymore, it would be nice not to have a school run for a few extra weeks but that is a purely selfish thought. I might pop up to Hobby craft and buy some more paint and craft supplies just in case we are quarantined. At least I will enjoy doing some painting, I don’t think I could cope with 2 weeks of the garbage the kids watch on TV.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

February 27th 2020

Dear Diary

I am feeling better today, or at least I am less irritable than I was. There are a few possible reasons for this. Firstly, the sun shone today, it was bliss! I went for a walk with a friend in the woods and breathed deeply of the fresh earthy air. I even had a few moments when I remembered to be mindful and look around. There were Primroses, Celandines, Gorse flowers, Dandelions and Daffodils, I love the flowers of spring! Secondly, I actually got to see the crescent moon this evening, absolutely beautiful, I blew couple of kisses to it for luck and I had a surge of happiness as I stood gazing up at it. Thirdly, I commented in the Facebook group for the moon essence trial about how I had been feeling since I started the trial, I was surprised to find I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. It’s always comforting to know you are not alone, one participant said that for her that anger has passed and now she is reaping the benefits. I will keep my fingers crossed for a similar outcome.

Yesterday I found a bit of information about a 17th century scholar called Robert Burton who wrote a book about Melancholy. His advice to anyone experiencing melancholy was ‘be not solitary, be not idle’ It stuck in my head and today I have acted upon it. I have been neither solitary, nor idle and that also may well have contributed to my improved mood. The walk this morning with a friend ticked the ‘be not solitary’ box and then some serious tidying has well and truly ticked the ‘be not idle’ box! A lot of sorting has been done. I have filled 2 bin bags for the charity shop and a box. I am no where near finished, I have an audio book to listen to tomorrow while I crack on with the rest of it, it’s called ‘Stop doing that s**t’ by Gary John Bishop, I am looking forward to it.

I haven’t mentioned my sleep for a while because every time I write down a positive result it ruins it. So I will just say nothing for now.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

January 31st 2020

Dear Diary,

Now that it’s the last day of January it really feels like spring is around the corner. I have seen Celandines in the hedgerow and smelt the aroma of three cornered leek growing in a sheltered spot on the school run and there are lots of Daffodils brightening up gardens and fields. It is the festival of Imbolc tomorrow in the celtic calendar and marks the beginning of spring and the awakening of the earth. I intend to mark it somehow in keeping with attuning myself to nature and the wheel of the year.

I have kept up with my cold showers, pretty much everyday this month, I have only missed a couple. It doesn’t seem to get any easier, I still gasp for breath and find it really shocking. Almost everyday I have to persuade myself to do it, I am always tempted to skip it for some reason like I am short of time or I don’t feel great etc I will grasp at any excuse but most the time I have forced myself and I genuinely do feel more refreshed and tingly when I get out. I have yet to see any other benefits.

I really want to start working on the garden if it’s going to be the amazing space I hope it will be but there is so much to do to get the house organised. I need to have a massive clear out Konmari style, but although I want a beautiful, uncluttered and tidy home I just can’t make myself get rid of stuff! it’s not just toys either I hold on to all sorts of old crap that I don’t use because I may just need it one day. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and make february the month to just do it instead of putting it off and getting stressed about it. Even re reading that makes me grit my teeth and not want to!