The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

15th June

After debating repeatedly with myself about writing this blog and whether or not it is self indulgent time wasting I have decided to just embrace it and go with it for now. Even if it is self indulgent time wasting, I quite like it. I will however stop obsessing about perfection and deleting everything, that way it won’t take up so much time. Saying that I just literally starting deleting and re writing! there is no hope for me! 😂

I am almost finished reading ‘The body keeps the score’ it is a brilliant book and so enlightening! It hasn’t been an easy read I must admit, I have found some parts pretty hard going, a lot of emotion and some horrible memories have been stirred up. At one point a huge sob escaped from somewhere deep inside me, it felt like it rocked my whole body and I didn’t even feel it coming. It was followed by a flood of tears, but for once the tears felt useful and It was a very cathartic experience. I feel like now I have a much better understanding of myself and I really hope this is the start of a healing process that will exorcise all the painful memories and crazy behaviours. More about this another time, I don’t want to get emotional right now, it’s much too nice a day for tears.

I have stopped the intermittent fasting I was doing. I decided that it wasn’t making me happy and I would rather be happy than fit into my old clothes. I was hating being hungry all morning just waiting for lunchtime feeling like I was limbo and it just wasn’t nice. I have stuck with the quitting sugar though, I know sugar is my downfall and I am a week in now so the momentum will carry me forward. Also Mark and I have started having our main meal with the children which we used to do and then stopped for some reason I can’t recall. I prefer eating early with them, it’s a great bit of family time plus food is done with by 6.30pm instead of 9pm which is much better for my digestion. And actually, now I think about it, I suppose I am still intermittent fasting as I don’t have breakfast until after the school run so I still have 14 or 15 hours without eating but it doesn’t feel like it. Changing my life style in a good way is much more sustainable than making things difficult and unpleasant for myself, this way we have family meal time and I claw back some time for myself, instead of starting cooking again as soon as the kids are in bed I now have a free evening! I feel like I have found an extra 3 hours in the day! Win win!

Keith is finally out! Our first walk on Saturday was glorious! We went to the beach and had such fun, the children brought their friends along and we were a very merry little party frolicking on the Cornish coast in our favourite place. It is such a relief to be free again and to introduce the puppy to all our favourite places. I can feel a shift in my mood for the better, in part because the book I have been reading has given me hope and in part because we are not tied to the house anymore, maybe also because my hormones have settled down for a while, who knows? Whatever the reason I am feeling happy right now and I am grateful for that, I love being able to get back outside and enjoy the countryside. The kids aren’t so against walking now that we have Keith with us, although they argue constantly about who is going to hold his lead but you can’t have it all I guess. I feel like I have a new lease of life and I love being a dog walker again! Dogs really are magic!

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

27th May

Dear Diary,

It has been a fabulous day! I never thought a day that started at 4am on the living room floor could work out well, but this one did! Elizabeth and I had our girly evening, we both enjoyed it very much! We went to bed later than I hoped we would and camping out in the lounge meant two flights of stairs to get to the loo, although it didn’t matter too much as my phone informed me when setting my alarm that I only had 5 hours and 29 mins until I was getting up again so there would be no need for a wee break.

4am rolled around and we were up and out of bed, a glance out of the curtain less window (yes more windows with no curtains) revealed a foggy outlook and not the clear sky we were hoping for. We were on the road by 4.25 excited by the adventure and trusting that the fog would clear for our sunrise, which it did. After hiking through the woods we emerged onto the beach under a beautiful clear sky. I can’t explain how wonderful it was to smell the sea air, the flowers, the earthy woodland, I couldn’t stop breathing in that heady scent. The view brought tears to my eyes I was so elated.

We managed an early morning dip before the sun came up, it was pretty bloody chilly! Turns out my cold shower training has done sod all to harden me up, I dived in thinking how impressive it would look and nearly died of shock, it took a few gasps before I could breathe properly again. But oh what absolute joy to feel my body in the ocean while gazing at the sunrise colours in the sky. There is enough gratitude in that one moment to last me all summer! The Best Therapy Ever!

Sunrise in Cornwall

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

21st March

Dear Diary,

We went for a walk through the woods to the beach today, I thought we should all get out and have some fresh air. It was very overcast and the wind was quite bracing, the waves were breaking very close to the shore and occasionally we could feel the spray on our faces. Agatha was a bit frightened of the waves and the wind so she whinged a fair bit. For a short time it felt almost normal and took my mind off what is going on. We only saw a few other people, although it wasn’t the best weather for the beach. I enjoyed seeing the buds on the trees and the fresh green Alexanders popping up along the path, I saw some cyclamen and celandine too, very welcome signs of spring.

We had to drop some paint over to Marks parents who are self isolating. Myself and kids stayed in the car and we chatted to them through the window while Mark unloaded the paint and re loaded with some logs they gave us. It feels so strange doing these things. It’s like reality comes in waves, one minute I sort of forget whats happening and feel OK, then the enormity of what is going to happen hits me and I feel sick. I can literally feel the panic rise inside inside me and tears rush to my eyes as I struggle to take deep breaths and try to calm myself down because my heart is beating too hard. I know I have to hold it together in front of the kids, I can’t bear to think of them being afraid like I am.

I did my mediation today, I am determined to get a 30 day streak and hopefully start feeling the benefit. I need something to calm me down right now! I know being stressed is only going to make everything worse, being stressed means I am thinking too much I know that. Problem is I stress out about being stressed out because I worry that the more I stress the more strain I put on my body and that can impact my immune system….then I stress that I am going to die of corona virus just because I am too stressed out and I can’t calm down…..then my head explodes, or at least it feels like it might. I kind of wish I could have a large glass of wine.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

March 16th

Dear Diary,

Had to go to the shops today, 3 supermarkets to get what I needed, although that is not unusual at the best of times. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be though, apart from not being able to buy more than 4 of the fruit and veg puree pouches Agatha likes. Its the only fruit and veg she will eat regularly. I usually buy 10 at a time and today I had 6 taken off me at the checkout, I felt like a naughty kid. And talking of naughty kids, I really don’t know why I am bothering with washing my hands all the time, today Agatha kept licking trolley handles, hand rails and tins of food and then when I lifted her into the car she coughed right into my eyeballs, splattering me with spit, she coughs in my face while I sleep too so I am probably doomed.

Woke up at 6 to see light in the room, a totally clear sky meant for the first time this year it wasn’t dark when the alarm went off, it wasn’t total daylight but very close. We went to Trelissick (National Trust) after school as it was such perfect weather, we met friends and had a walk to the beach where the kids built dams in a stream that comes out there. It is our first after school beach trip this year and it was great to have a break from the constant news updates on how many people have died. Getting out into a the countryside is like therapy for me! It soothes and calms me, for a short time it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I kept looking around, bowled over by how beautiful everything is now that spring is here and thinking how distant all the madness seemed when the water was sparkling and the low sun was making everything golden. I didn’t want to leave. I am so grateful for that moment of peace.

With all my panic and anxiety I totally forgot to mention my cold showers and how they have become a lot more dramatic! we have lived in this house for nearly 10 years and our water pressure has always been rubbish. On Saturday South west water came out and removed the limiter from our water supply and now we have incredible pressure! so much pressure that the kids get soaked every time they wash their hands. The shower which hasn’t been working properly, now has a new lease of life. It turns out it just didn’t have enough pressure to work. Sunday morning I turned the dial to cold and was nearly blown out of the bath by the sudden increase in pressure. The cold came through pretty much instantly and it took my breath away, it was bloody freezing. I spluttered my way though 1.5 minutes and that was all I could take, I managed the same again today. I think it may be a while before I make it over 2 minutes again. It certainly wakes me up!

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

March 15th

Dear Diary,

Had a stroll on the beach with friends today, it was glorious! Wandering along the shoreline, enjoying the spring sunshine and watching the children splash each other in rock pools made the Corona virus and the crazy panic buying happening in the shops feel like a bad dream. It’s hard to imagine whats going to happen and I don’t really want to, I worry about everything enough as it is. To say this is making me anxious is an understatement, I feel like bursting into tears when I think about it and seeing how people are fighting over items in shops makes me feel a bit sick.

Today I have meditated again, I have done every day for quite a few days now. I need to do what ever I can to help my mental health, I am swamped with negative thinking at the moment. It’s so hard to keep my thoughts from descending into darkness and chaos as my anxiety spirals, especially in front of the kids and Mark. To make matters worse I have been a bit naughty and looked at Facebook a few times today, I shouldn’t do it, I know that, it’s a bad thing to do at the best of times.

I have tried to do something positive though, I bought a few more tubes of paint and lots of paper this afternoon. If we are going to be trapped inside for ages we may as well be creative. I know it’s not much in the face of it all but I intend to learn to paint, if art is good therapy then I need as much of it as possible. I will try to paint my way to positivity or at least take my mind off my anxiety for a while. I have also clocked up quite a considerable amount of craft related pins on Pinterest over the years and never had time to actually do the crafting (probably because I was wasting time scrolling on Pinterest). Looks like I might get the time after all.

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

February 2nd 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been another really positive day for me. It started early with a 30 minute run at 8am with my running buddy and her friend who was visiting. We must have run a bit faster today as we got a bit further than normal which is a great improvement! This morning I kept thinking about how the other runners we see while out, the ones I think of as the ‘proper’ runners, say hello to us. I am starting to feel like we are ‘proper’ runners too now and worthy of that greeting. I also broke my cold shower time record for 2020 this morning, clocking in at 2 minutes and 6 seconds, this had better be doing me good!

We headed west for rest of the day with friends, ‘we’ being the kids and me, mark is still painting doors and messing with radiators. We visited an iron age settlement deep in the Cornish countryside called Carn Euny. I love historic places and always wish I could travel back in time to experience the place first hand. The kids wanted me to play chase with them, I didn’t really want to as my head was pounding and I am pretty lazy. But I thought about how much they love it when I play with them and I don’t want to look back one day and regret not playing with them so I joined in. Playing chase while wearing wellies is bloody hard work!

The later part of the day we went to Sennen Cove and had a walk on the beach. We had only been out the car 5 minutes when Agatha got caught by a wave and filled her welly boots with water, so she had to wear her sparkly ruby slippers on the beach. It made me smile as wearing sparkly shoes to the beach was exactly the sort of thing I would have wanted to do when I was little.
I made a big effort to be mindful and present in everything today, it has felt like a very long day (but in a good way) I feel tired but refreshed. My thoughts have been positive and I feel happy, I genuinely do! I have high hopes that I am getting better at recognising negative thinking and moving past it……..I know it’s not the end but maybe it just might be the beginning of the end.