The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

15th December

Dear Diary,

I ate my porridge in the shower this morning! I balanced the bowl on the side of the sink and just leaned out of the water for a mouthful as and when required. It felt a bit wrong to eat in the bathroom but you know, when needs must and all that. Considering that we have been doing the school run for the best part of 8 years it never fails to amaze me that we don’t have this routine perfected, where does the time go? Every morning I feel like some sort of angry army sergeant barking orders at the top of my voice, I suppose the difference being that soldiers actually listen and follow the orders without arguing, hysterics or losing their shoes.

This morning I had a choice; shower and wash my hair or eat breakfast, I stood in the kitchen staring at the clock feeling panicked. I detest dirty hair but on the other hand I don’t cope well with skipping breakfast, I am one of those people who get hangry (hungry/angry) This morning the voice in my head spoke loud and clear “Duh, take the porridge into the shower” Genius! I left the house for the school run feeling like I was winning at life, that was until Keith did a great big pile of steaming diarrhea that I had to scrape up off the side of the road with a teeny doggy poo bag while dry retching.

It’s been a fortnight of ups and downs, I am feeling utterly exhausted again I can’t drag myself out of bed at 6am for my exercise and meditation, I feel bad because I love that bit of me time and sacrificing it to the snooze button is such a waste of time, not to mention I am missing out on the things I know are good for me. I considered buying the book the 5am club last week ‘how to elevate your life and achieve great things by getting up earlier’ I do like the idea of an extra hour in the day; if not the reality of what it costs to gain it. Perhaps this tiredness is my bodies way of protesting, telling me it doesn’t fancy getting up at 5 and not to be so bloody mad, after all if I struggle with getting up at 6am then 5am will be purgatory. Perhaps I will wait until after Christmas and see how I feel then, that seems to be my go to excuse for everything right now.

After my problem solving abilities stepped up a gear this morning I felt inspired to be a bit proactive about life when I got back from dropping the kids off so I transferred my dentist and chiropractor appointments to google calendar and set reminders for myself. I can’t stop losing real life diaries or forgetting to look at them so perhaps an online one that harasses me via my mobile will work better for me. Amazing how good it feels to block out time on a nice big computer screen and have that transferred to my phone. Now I am sat here unsure whether to be pleased with myself or concerned that I am at an age where I find populating calendars so satisfying. Ah what the hell, I am sure there are people out there that are weirder than me, now what colour shall I assign these appointments?

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

2nd November

Dear Diary,

I have been rather naughty over the last 10 days but I can’t say I am feeling much remorse which is quite refreshing. Last week was half term and Mark rather cleverly booked himself onto a training course in Southampton from Monday to Thursday so was absent for a large part of the holiday. We were an all girl household so we made the most of it.

The first day I didn’t tidy up at all, we just went for a walk with friends and to hell with the clearing up it was a holiday after all! The second day I was forced to at least tidy the kitchen because I was cooking a huge roast as a friend had come over and I had no where to prepare food and no space on the table to serve it. The third day I spent 8 hours frantically blitzing the whole house because I couldn’t stand the mess anymore, it was horrible and I couldn’t relax, plus the girls were having their friends round for a sleep over that night which meant that if I didn’t start with a clean house I was doomed. The forth day was OK because I told the kids they were banned from their ipads unless unless they helped me tidy up before Daddy came home that night.

That however was not the naughty part this is. I did zero meditation throughout the whole of half term, I didn’t do my Shakti warrior dance workout, I ate A LOT of cake, chocolate, pickled eggs and crisps, I stayed up late every single night, had a glass of wine every night apart from the sleep over night and I slept in until 8.30 every single morning! I felt very decadent and I loved it! It was with a feeling a dread that laid out my workout clothes last night and reset my alarm for 6am this morning (Yesterday was an inset day so I didn’t have to start being good again on a Monday which I was eternally grateful for)

Quite surprisingly getting up at 6am this morning wasn’t anywhere near as horrific as I was expecting it to be, my alarm went off, Mel Robins voice popped into my head reminding me of the 5 second rule and 5,4,3,2,1 I got straight up, swayed a bit and then banged my thigh on the end of the bed as I tried to creep out of the room without waking Mark or Keith (Keith is the dog, nothing weird is happening here) Obviously I woke them both up with my cursing. Anyway, I did my workout, did my meditation, got the kids to school on time and walked home enjoying the morning sunshine and then cleaned the kitchen. I am impressed with myself!

I sort of expected things to have gone downhill mentally because of the unhealthy break in routine but everything has been fine, I have felt happy and calm since my last blog and I am touching wood as I say that because I don’t want to tempt fate again. When I say happy and calm I mean that there have been no signs of depression, anxiety or hormonal meltdowns, I don’t count the usual household frustrations when I lose my sh*t because the kids are fighting to the death over nerf gun pellets, or because someone is sitting in someone else’s special place on the sofa and whether or not someone is hogging all Keith’s attention, although strangely enough no one wants Keith’s attention when it’s time to towel the mud off him after his walk.

I have noticed that lately I have been doing a lot less of the negative thinking and critical self talk, instead of getting caught in a downward spiral my mind spots it and I am able to redirect my thoughts to something positive. It sounds so simple but for so long I was unable to spot what was happening before it was too late. Don’t get me wrong I am no where near perfect at this yet and I still call myself a silly old twit (or words to that effect but not suitable for publication) when I do something I perceive as stupid but it stops there, I don’t dwell on it, if I can I will make myself smile and tell myself it’s OK to not be perfect….yet.

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

20th October

Dear Diary,

On Monday morning I tempted fate and fate kicked me right in the backside really hard. I want to say that I don’t really believe in that sort of thing and on a sensible level I don’t, but I don’t function on a sensible level very often so maybe I do believe it…. I can’t quite decide. Anyway….

Monday was a grey day, the sky was heavy and leaden with a promise of rain to come. I felt cheerful and upbeat, almost like a normal human being which was a big improvement for me! the last few weeks had been calm, free from crap moods and negativity, all in all quite pleasant really. That morning I dropped the kids off at the school gate then set out to walk the dog, we headed down a quiet treelined footpath and even though I was getting my arm yanked off by Keith who is a total plonker on the lead, I managed to look around and admire the autumnal colours of the falling leaves and feel exhilarated by the wind as it swirled around me tangling my hair. It was one of those moments when I appreciated everyone and everything, I felt a bubble of happiness inside. Even when the rain came down in earnest and the water ran off my hair dribbling leave in conditioner into my eyes I still felt full of smiles and joy de vivre as I threw the ball for Keith and got soaking wet.

I reckon that was when it happened, I shouldn’t have thought the thought. While I stood there playing with Keith in the pouring rain, feeling happy with myself I thought that I was beating the perimenopause and it’s symptoms with my daily superwoman routine of meditation, walks in nature, healthy eating, Shakti warrior healing dance workout and specialised vitamin supplements. That was when fate decided I needed bringing back down to earth. Okay I am kidding, I don’t really believe my thoughts attracted the attention of some petty entity that decided to blight my day because I had the nerve to think that maybe my hormones had buggered off or settled down or something. But it was an unfortunate coincidence that later the same day my mood came crashing down around my ears.

Around 4pm I became enraged with the entire world for no particular reason and I took it out on the zip of my coat which had got stuck at precisely the wrong moment. I then became even more incensed because I realised that my anger was massively disproportional and therefore probably a hormone thing since nothing had actually occurred to make me feel that way. I then totally lost it because I was really sick and tired of being controlled by mad f**king hormones that make me act like a lunatic. Since I had no way of actually getting my own back on the hormones I threw my coat on the floor and stamped on it like a petulant child and that act felt slightly soothing. Once my melodramatic episode reached a crescendo I had a massive ugly cry in the bathroom and then flopped around the kitchen weeping with despair because I was behaving like a total dick head and now I had foot prints on my coat. After that hormonal outpouring I was exhausted physically and mentally so could nothing more than sulk quietly until bedtime and internally beat myself up for not behaving in a calm and rational manner. I also had a banging headache.

Turns out it probably wasn’t fate that caused my little ‘upset’ and was more than likely my own fault as I have been regularly forgetting to take my supplements – ironic since they are supposed to improve memory function. I am trying not to take the return of the mood swings to heart, they have come hand in hand with hot flushes and brain fog so I am hoping that once I actually remember to take the supplements things will improve again. I have set a load of reminders on my phone which now seems to be going off every five minutes to remind me of something or other, it’s already starting to irritate me and sometimes it actually makes me jump. In the mean time I am going to consider Mondays little outburst as a minor setback and look for more ways to bring calmness and serenity into my life.

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

October 1st

Dear Diary

I guess there must be a fair few people out there wondering how on earth it’s October already, it can’t just be me that is gobsmacked at quickly times flies. It’s getting very chilly in the mornings when I drag myself out of bed a 6am. We haven’t put the heating on yet because putting the heating on feels like admitting summer is over, plus the hallway is in the process of being plastered right now so there is no radiator on the wall. We have ordered a posh cast iron, vintage looking one which I am strangely excited about, yes I am excited about a radiator, I don’t understand why. I think maybe this is what happens when you are in your 40’s and people just don’t talk about it….. you make a lot of chutney, get excited about posh radiators and start wearing crocs because they are comfortable.

I have been working very hard on being positive this week. It really is so difficult not to look at social media, listen to the news or to get involved with negative talk. The fact that it is so difficult just proves to me how much I must have done it! I think the effort is paying off though, I can honestly say my moods have been more upbeat this last week, I have even had conversations with strangers on the way back from the school run which has been really lovely. I put that down to mindful walking, perhaps I look more approachable and less like I might bite people. I have been making the effort to look around me and smile, to notice the flowers, trees, colours and smells and to hold my head up instead of trudging along staring at the ground and running over a thousand crappy thoughts in my head. The only down side about holding your head up is you don’t always see dog poo when it’s right in front of you, but hey that’s a small price to pay for a little bit of social interaction.

I got Mel Robins new book called the ‘high 5 habit’ on Wednesday. I love Mel Robins and I like that she includes the science behind her techniques in her books, my brain likes scientific proof that doing something weird isn’t just weird but has actual proven benefits. So, while high fiving myself in the mirror feels pretty cheesy right now I have high hopes that it will aid my journey to ‘normality’ (if high fiving yourself in the mirror can be considered normal?)
With ‘normality’ in mind I had to make a conscious decision to stop stressing about why I can’t think of 5 things I like about myself, it was becoming obsessive and the fact I was obsessing was just anther thing to not like. So now I can pat myself on the back for not only knowing that beating myself up is damaging to my self esteem but for only taking 6 days to actually stop doing it! That’s progress that is! HIGH FIVE!

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

3rd August,

School summer holidays day 13, I am frequently amazed at the children’s ability to argue about literally anything. I even got sucked into an argument with Elizabeth about arguing.
“Elizabeth, please don’t argue with me, I saw you push Agatha with my own eyes”
“I didn’t”
“You did, please just say sorry to her and stop arguing with me”
“I’m not arguing”
“You are”
“I’m not”
How do I hold onto my sanity? I am not sure but I have a little image in my head of a pressure cooker about to explode. Don’t get me wrong, I love the summer holidays and having the children home, it’s like a high impact work out for my patience, which right now needs to sit down with an ice pack.

In other news I have started the Shakti warrior healing dance course that I impetuously bought after a few glasses of wine. I have only completed the first one so far but I really enjoyed it! I did feel a bit empowered afterwards which was more than likely because of my high expectations and a desire to feel something good rather than my actual skill at performing the dance. I am not gifted with co ordination but I intend to approach this as a healing process to enjoy rather than something which has to be over thought and mastered from the outset. A good friend regularly tells me to have fun and stop thinking everything has to be perfect, wise words, now I just need to embed them into my subconscious.

I have completed a dress for Elizabeth which I am so pleased with! It feels good to have created something I like. It’s a beautiful purple, silky fabric that will be ruined in about 5 minutes flat but I took a photograph to remember how it looked before it gets covered in ketchup or butter. Creativity is so good for my mental health when it goes well! I can’t say that the 300 crap versions of the trousers I have made have been particularly conducive to creative bliss but when I finally nail them the dopamine hit will be off the charts and should keep me going for months!

I have been making time for myself in the evenings to sew and do my photoshop course I love doing both and find myself looking forward to my creative/educational evenings. The summer holidays mean I don’t have to get up at 6am so I can stay up a bit later without feeling exhausted for the next 3 days. I absolutely love working late in my attic workroom while the kids are asleep, it feels like a little cocoon of peace and tranquillity. last night I had to reluctantly drag myself away at midnight, I am already looking forward to tonight. Amazing how a little time to indulge interests makes such a difference to happiness. I keep thinking how much I will have learned and achieved by the end of the holidays if I can keep this up. Then I have to tell myself to stop looking for an end goal and just enjoy the time with no pressure. Then I tell myself it’s OK to be happy I am working towards something goals aren’t bad things. Then I tell myself to just stop it, stop overthinking and get on with the task in hand. It’s harder than I thought to live in the present and just enjoy things because they are enjoyable.

I am being summoned by Agatha to look at cake videos on tube, my time here is done.

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

15th June

After debating repeatedly with myself about writing this blog and whether or not it is self indulgent time wasting I have decided to just embrace it and go with it for now. Even if it is self indulgent time wasting, I quite like it. I will however stop obsessing about perfection and deleting everything, that way it won’t take up so much time. Saying that I just literally starting deleting and re writing! there is no hope for me! 😂

I am almost finished reading ‘The body keeps the score’ it is a brilliant book and so enlightening! It hasn’t been an easy read I must admit, I have found some parts pretty hard going, a lot of emotion and some horrible memories have been stirred up. At one point a huge sob escaped from somewhere deep inside me, it felt like it rocked my whole body and I didn’t even feel it coming. It was followed by a flood of tears, but for once the tears felt useful and It was a very cathartic experience. I feel like now I have a much better understanding of myself and I really hope this is the start of a healing process that will exorcise all the painful memories and crazy behaviours. More about this another time, I don’t want to get emotional right now, it’s much too nice a day for tears.

I have stopped the intermittent fasting I was doing. I decided that it wasn’t making me happy and I would rather be happy than fit into my old clothes. I was hating being hungry all morning just waiting for lunchtime feeling like I was limbo and it just wasn’t nice. I have stuck with the quitting sugar though, I know sugar is my downfall and I am a week in now so the momentum will carry me forward. Also Mark and I have started having our main meal with the children which we used to do and then stopped for some reason I can’t recall. I prefer eating early with them, it’s a great bit of family time plus food is done with by 6.30pm instead of 9pm which is much better for my digestion. And actually, now I think about it, I suppose I am still intermittent fasting as I don’t have breakfast until after the school run so I still have 14 or 15 hours without eating but it doesn’t feel like it. Changing my life style in a good way is much more sustainable than making things difficult and unpleasant for myself, this way we have family meal time and I claw back some time for myself, instead of starting cooking again as soon as the kids are in bed I now have a free evening! I feel like I have found an extra 3 hours in the day! Win win!

Keith is finally out! Our first walk on Saturday was glorious! We went to the beach and had such fun, the children brought their friends along and we were a very merry little party frolicking on the Cornish coast in our favourite place. It is such a relief to be free again and to introduce the puppy to all our favourite places. I can feel a shift in my mood for the better, in part because the book I have been reading has given me hope and in part because we are not tied to the house anymore, maybe also because my hormones have settled down for a while, who knows? Whatever the reason I am feeling happy right now and I am grateful for that, I love being able to get back outside and enjoy the countryside. The kids aren’t so against walking now that we have Keith with us, although they argue constantly about who is going to hold his lead but you can’t have it all I guess. I feel like I have a new lease of life and I love being a dog walker again! Dogs really are magic!

The 2021 diary of a 40 something housewife

23rd March,

This morning I felt some small happiness as I stood in our bedroom window, forehead on the cold glass and watched as the sun rose over the city. It was a beautiful sight and I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful view from our house. Yesterday was a tough day, yesterday I was allowed to visit my Grandad in Bristol. It felt very strange to leave the area, I was constantly expecting the police to stop me and demand to know where I was going. My Grandad is 91 and has Alzheimers, he has been ill with a chest infection and is now receiving end of life care, hence my being allowed to visit. I felt like my heart was breaking, seeing him bed bound and looking so frail. I struggled so hard not to cry in front of him, I didn’t want to make him sad and I knew if I started I wouldn’t stop. He told me he had had a wonderful life and not to be sad, I told him I would miss him so much. I can barely see the keyboard through my tears just writing this.

I haven’t been sleeping very well again which I guess is understandable. I woke up at 3am this morning and Fanny leapt at the opportunity for a chat (Fanny being the name of my annoying inner voice) This mornings topic was Rhubarb and where in the garden to plant it, or more precisely, listing all the places not to plant it which pretty much ruled out the entire bloody garen. I have been obsessing over this for weeks since my last gardening stint ended with the revelation that I hate gardening (see post dated 2nd March) I now have a load of rhubarb plants sitting in buckets that need planting today and nowhere ready to put them. The Rhubarb I planted last year died, so clearly that’s not a good spot, everywhere else involves heavy digging and removal of lawn. Well, sort of lawn, really it’s an uneven area covered in weeds with a few odd blades of grass that all the neighbourhood cats like to crap on. It’s going to be hard graft, but the bit I dread the most is the retching and heaving involved in removing the cat turds. Really what our garden needs a massive overhaul or preferably emptying into a skip and starting again with a team of gardeners instead of me.

After spending so long in the car yesterday I was quite looking forward to stretching my legs on the walk to school this morning. We have a lovely route alongside a river, beside a park and victorian gardens, past the cathedral and over another river. The round trip is 5.2k and takes me just over an hour, I usually enjoy it. This morning not so much, Agatha and Elizabeth kept up a constant stream of complaints for pretty much the entire walk there. Elizabeth complained because she had waited until the moment we were leaving the house to announce her school shoes were suddenly too tight, the shoes she wore instead were rubbish, she didn’t like them, she couldn’t run in them, why couldn’t she have worn a different pair? I am not sure exactly why she didn’t chose a different pair to wear but it was my fault apparently. Agatha complained because she hated her bag, she hated her lunchbox, she hated school, she hated her socks that kept falling down – the socks I told her not to wear because they would fall down. She also hated walking, carrots and me. Eleanor just lagged so far behind that when I wasn’t addressing the barrage of discontent I was shouting at her to walk faster or we would be late. By the time I waved them off I was ready to explode. So much for walking being relaxing.

Perhaps taking a pick axe to the garden will relieve some pent up frustrations and give me some head space, Rhubarb here I come.

The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

February 23rd

Dear Diary

Work, wine and weeping.

Bring back half term! Oh how I miss those precious days free from the torture of fronted adverbials, balancing fractions and trying to get Agatha to read the word ‘Had’, can you sound out H-A-D Agatha? what word is it? the response – Pat? hat? hand? I am extremely impressed at the patience of teachers, I wouldn’t want to be one for all the long summer holidays and money in the world. My eldest daughter diligently ploughs her way through her work requiring very little input from me, her younger sisters not so, they will only work under constant supervision and when cornered like rats in a trap. It’s very emotionally draining and extremely time consuming. They are stroppy, impatient and argumentative which pushes all of my own stroppy, impatient and argumentative buttons. Predictably everything falls apart very quickly and I totally understand why online wine sales have soared during lockdown. By the end of the day I am more than ready to weep into a large glass of sauvignon, but I can’t as I am trying to be good by not drinking on school nights.

Monday morning meditation

In the euphoric giddiness the freedom from school teams meetings gave me my morning routine went out of the window. I didn’t meditate once all week which wasn’t great and I feel really disappointed with myself. Sitting down to meditate on Monday morning was like opening a cupboard full of crap in my brain, stacks of negative thoughts came tumbling out. My mind completely bypassed the task in hand and instead seized the opportunity to over think each and every one in rapid succession. Coronavirus mutations, schools reopening, long covid prevalence and whether or not I was going to freak out when I had my vaccine (I hate needles). By the time I was 8 minutes into the session I felt totally stressed out and was then forced to give up the attempt entirely when a row erupted over an online game in the bedroom overhead. The two eldest girls had fallen out over a virtual helicopter and were gearing up to fight to the death over it. I had to leg it upstairs and read the riot act before blood was shed.

Morning routines rock!

Sad though I am that half term is over I am feeling positive about getting back to a decent morning routine, weirdly I did miss having a sense of order to the start of the day and much as I enjoyed laying in bed late it wasn’t helping me mentally. I have also read recently that having a good morning routine has loads of benefits, such as increased productivity, lowering stress, boosting energy and improving confidence. Impressive right? I am someone who works well with a routine even if I like to pretend I am too cool to need one. I am keen to re establish my meditation practice (without the incessant negative thinking) and re start some regular exercise, I really need it. Running is currently off again due to somehow managing to hurt my back by falling asleep on the sofa on Friday night and I have developed a painful knee out of nowhere for no apparent reason #middleAgeProblems. So in the absence of other options I thought an early morning walk would be a good idea.

Swapping sleeping for a sunrise

The beautiful sunrise this morning aided my intention to get up earlier and I was up and out for a brisk walk by 7.20am. It was bliss! I saw my first Dandelion flower of the year and what I believe were clumps of sorrel starting to grow, (I will go back with my foraging book) the birds were singing away and I had a nice chat with a lady walking her dog. I felt like I could have marched on for miles quite happily, sadly time was against that. I had to rush to get back and prise the kids off their ipads in order to get them breakfasted and ready for their school meetings at 9am. But, those 40 minutes I snatched out of sleep time were wonderful, I came back feeling invigorated and uplifted. I hopped into the shower full of gratitude for the lighter mornings and hope for the coming spring. Long may this positive feeling continue, I like it a lot! Morning routines rock!

We have a wonderful view over our little city

The 2020 Diary of a 40 something housewife

2nd February

Dear Diary,

One of my intentions for this year was to get closer to nature and with this in mind I made the effort to take part in the Great Garden Birdwatch 2021. I like a bit of citizen science so I spent a whole hour gazing forlornly out of the window at a totally birdless garden, note pad in one hand binoculars in the other. It seems that somehow the birds knew I wanted to count them and they all did a runner. They didn’t go too far though, I couldn’t see them but I could hear them well enough, chirping and singing in everyone else’s gardens or were they laughing at me? I can’t be sure. After feeding them for years I was convinced I was going to get a good few visitors at my bird table for my hour of recording but only a fraction of the regulars popped by. Turns out I wasn’t alone, after I read through a load of comments by my fellow birdwatchers on the Facebook group – The self Isolating bird club, it seems that this is a common occurrence for the Great Garden birdwatch weekend and we all had a laugh about it. It seems the birds just don’t want to be counted.

On the subject of Facebook I have changed my habits somewhat. I can’t give up social media completely, thats too big an ask because it feels like a connection to the outside world and I can’t let that go right now, in our locked down lives any little contact is a lifeline. What I have done is stop engaging with negativity, no matter how much I am tempted to argue with people, I don’t do it, it’s hard sometimes to bite my tongue but I am learning the skill of shutting up and I find that has been quite liberating. Instead I have looked for positive content to engage with and things I am interested in learning about, I can’t believe I didn’t do more of this before! My news feed is mostly now a joyful and interesting mix up of historical clothing, sewing, photography, birds, wildlife and art. I actually feel uplifted and inspired now when I have 5 mins to dip in. Plus I have found some really interesting groups, websites and tutorials which have in turn fuelled my enthusiasm to learn.

In between the homeschooling, fighting the rising tide of mess, refereeing the girls arguments and preparing constant snacks, I am putting my energies into educating myself and have begun an online photography course which I love! I have always had an interest in photography and a few years ago I managed to nag Mark into buying me a decent camera which has never really been used properly, it’s time is about to come! Having a focus for myself has really helped me feel more positive about the future, I find myself thinking about compositions and colours rather than ruminating on my anxieties or beating myself up because I haven’t kept to my gruelling schedule of happiness activities. The irony of how stopping my obsessive quest for happiness has actually made me happier doesn’t escape me, I smile happily whenever I think of it. How funny life can be.

I am genuinely surprised and extremely grateful that I feel so positive right now. If someone had told me about Corona virus and lockdowns years ago I would have fallen apart at the very thought of it. I still have moments when I fear depression could come crashing down on me at any moment but by thinking 5 positive thoughts for every negative thought I seem to be holding the darkness at bay and re training my mind, the negative thoughts are much less regular now. Or at least they are until I start yet another sewing session of trying to make the trousers I am sewing fit. Oops, now I am starting to have rather dark thoughts towards the making of those trousers, they have officially become my nemesis and I am now going to have to sit quietly and try to think of 5 positive thoughts regarding sewing those bloody trousers…………………I may be quite some time.

The 2021 Diary of a 40 something housewife

5th January

Dear Diary,

Considering what is happening in the world outside, I am feeling rather upbeat! The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the kids are taking to the new lockdown pretty well and apart from one little bit of upset because Agatha couldn’t find her toy food, all is calm in the household. I have even cooked a huge batch of vegetable stew to portion and freeze for quick lunches for myself. The kids wouldn’t consider eating anything quite so healthy and God forbid they do something as convienient as eat ready prepared, good hearty homemade food. I may even bake some biscuits later…..I am feeling quite domestic goddess like today, its very strange, I even vaccummed the lounge which will probably shock Mark if he sees it before the kids shed dirt all over it.

So far this year I feel like I haven’t really achieved very much, I know we are only 5 days in, but I feel like I have been lazy for ages. I haven’t meditated since the kids finished school in December, I have spent way too much time on social media absorbing negativity and I hadn’t had a cold shower since I came down with tonsilitus – until this morning. It wasn’t pleasant! While I can’t help feeling a bit disappointed in myself for not being productive I am trying very hard to cut myself some slack.

I have been really very anxious over the last week about the surging numbers of Corona virus cases, I have been stressing out about sending the kids back to school and whether or not it was safe, worrying had taken over my life and I just couldn’t see any way past the doom and gloom, it was another downward spiral that I didn’t spot in time. Today is the first day I have felt some sort of respite from that stress thanks to the lockdown. I know I need to treat myself gently while my mind unravels itself. Tomorrow I begin in earnest to rebuild my happiness practice by doing all the things I know I should. I may even start right now taking the kids for a walk in the fresh air, it is beautiful outside, hopefully that will wake up my motivation.