15th June
After debating repeatedly with myself about writing this blog and whether or not it is self indulgent time wasting I have decided to just embrace it and go with it for now. Even if it is self indulgent time wasting, I quite like it. I will however stop obsessing about perfection and deleting everything, that way it won’t take up so much time. Saying that I just literally starting deleting and re writing! there is no hope for me! 😂
I am almost finished reading ‘The body keeps the score’ it is a brilliant book and so enlightening! It hasn’t been an easy read I must admit, I have found some parts pretty hard going, a lot of emotion and some horrible memories have been stirred up. At one point a huge sob escaped from somewhere deep inside me, it felt like it rocked my whole body and I didn’t even feel it coming. It was followed by a flood of tears, but for once the tears felt useful and It was a very cathartic experience. I feel like now I have a much better understanding of myself and I really hope this is the start of a healing process that will exorcise all the painful memories and crazy behaviours. More about this another time, I don’t want to get emotional right now, it’s much too nice a day for tears.
I have stopped the intermittent fasting I was doing. I decided that it wasn’t making me happy and I would rather be happy than fit into my old clothes. I was hating being hungry all morning just waiting for lunchtime feeling like I was limbo and it just wasn’t nice. I have stuck with the quitting sugar though, I know sugar is my downfall and I am a week in now so the momentum will carry me forward. Also Mark and I have started having our main meal with the children which we used to do and then stopped for some reason I can’t recall. I prefer eating early with them, it’s a great bit of family time plus food is done with by 6.30pm instead of 9pm which is much better for my digestion. And actually, now I think about it, I suppose I am still intermittent fasting as I don’t have breakfast until after the school run so I still have 14 or 15 hours without eating but it doesn’t feel like it. Changing my life style in a good way is much more sustainable than making things difficult and unpleasant for myself, this way we have family meal time and I claw back some time for myself, instead of starting cooking again as soon as the kids are in bed I now have a free evening! I feel like I have found an extra 3 hours in the day! Win win!
Keith is finally out! Our first walk on Saturday was glorious! We went to the beach and had such fun, the children brought their friends along and we were a very merry little party frolicking on the Cornish coast in our favourite place. It is such a relief to be free again and to introduce the puppy to all our favourite places. I can feel a shift in my mood for the better, in part because the book I have been reading has given me hope and in part because we are not tied to the house anymore, maybe also because my hormones have settled down for a while, who knows? Whatever the reason I am feeling happy right now and I am grateful for that, I love being able to get back outside and enjoy the countryside. The kids aren’t so against walking now that we have Keith with us, although they argue constantly about who is going to hold his lead but you can’t have it all I guess. I feel like I have a new lease of life and I love being a dog walker again! Dogs really are magic!
Cold tea and muddy wellies 