2nd February
Dear Diary,
One of my intentions for this year was to get closer to nature and with this in mind I made the effort to take part in the Great Garden Birdwatch 2021. I like a bit of citizen science so I spent a whole hour gazing forlornly out of the window at a totally birdless garden, note pad in one hand binoculars in the other. It seems that somehow the birds knew I wanted to count them and they all did a runner. They didn’t go too far though, I couldn’t see them but I could hear them well enough, chirping and singing in everyone else’s gardens or were they laughing at me? I can’t be sure. After feeding them for years I was convinced I was going to get a good few visitors at my bird table for my hour of recording but only a fraction of the regulars popped by. Turns out I wasn’t alone, after I read through a load of comments by my fellow birdwatchers on the Facebook group – The self Isolating bird club, it seems that this is a common occurrence for the Great Garden birdwatch weekend and we all had a laugh about it. It seems the birds just don’t want to be counted.
On the subject of Facebook I have changed my habits somewhat. I can’t give up social media completely, thats too big an ask because it feels like a connection to the outside world and I can’t let that go right now, in our locked down lives any little contact is a lifeline. What I have done is stop engaging with negativity, no matter how much I am tempted to argue with people, I don’t do it, it’s hard sometimes to bite my tongue but I am learning the skill of shutting up and I find that has been quite liberating. Instead I have looked for positive content to engage with and things I am interested in learning about, I can’t believe I didn’t do more of this before! My news feed is mostly now a joyful and interesting mix up of historical clothing, sewing, photography, birds, wildlife and art. I actually feel uplifted and inspired now when I have 5 mins to dip in. Plus I have found some really interesting groups, websites and tutorials which have in turn fuelled my enthusiasm to learn.
In between the homeschooling, fighting the rising tide of mess, refereeing the girls arguments and preparing constant snacks, I am putting my energies into educating myself and have begun an online photography course which I love! I have always had an interest in photography and a few years ago I managed to nag Mark into buying me a decent camera which has never really been used properly, it’s time is about to come! Having a focus for myself has really helped me feel more positive about the future, I find myself thinking about compositions and colours rather than ruminating on my anxieties or beating myself up because I haven’t kept to my gruelling schedule of happiness activities. The irony of how stopping my obsessive quest for happiness has actually made me happier doesn’t escape me, I smile happily whenever I think of it. How funny life can be.
I am genuinely surprised and extremely grateful that I feel so positive right now. If someone had told me about Corona virus and lockdowns years ago I would have fallen apart at the very thought of it. I still have moments when I fear depression could come crashing down on me at any moment but by thinking 5 positive thoughts for every negative thought I seem to be holding the darkness at bay and re training my mind, the negative thoughts are much less regular now. Or at least they are until I start yet another sewing session of trying to make the trousers I am sewing fit. Oops, now I am starting to have rather dark thoughts towards the making of those trousers, they have officially become my nemesis and I am now going to have to sit quietly and try to think of 5 positive thoughts regarding sewing those bloody trousers…………………I may be quite some time.
Cold tea and muddy wellies 