20th October
Dear Diary,
On Monday morning I tempted fate and fate kicked me right in the backside really hard. I want to say that I don’t really believe in that sort of thing and on a sensible level I don’t, but I don’t function on a sensible level very often so maybe I do believe it…. I can’t quite decide. Anyway….
Monday was a grey day, the sky was heavy and leaden with a promise of rain to come. I felt cheerful and upbeat, almost like a normal human being which was a big improvement for me! the last few weeks had been calm, free from crap moods and negativity, all in all quite pleasant really. That morning I dropped the kids off at the school gate then set out to walk the dog, we headed down a quiet treelined footpath and even though I was getting my arm yanked off by Keith who is a total plonker on the lead, I managed to look around and admire the autumnal colours of the falling leaves and feel exhilarated by the wind as it swirled around me tangling my hair. It was one of those moments when I appreciated everyone and everything, I felt a bubble of happiness inside. Even when the rain came down in earnest and the water ran off my hair dribbling leave in conditioner into my eyes I still felt full of smiles and joy de vivre as I threw the ball for Keith and got soaking wet.
I reckon that was when it happened, I shouldn’t have thought the thought. While I stood there playing with Keith in the pouring rain, feeling happy with myself I thought that I was beating the perimenopause and it’s symptoms with my daily superwoman routine of meditation, walks in nature, healthy eating, Shakti warrior healing dance workout and specialised vitamin supplements. That was when fate decided I needed bringing back down to earth. Okay I am kidding, I don’t really believe my thoughts attracted the attention of some petty entity that decided to blight my day because I had the nerve to think that maybe my hormones had buggered off or settled down or something. But it was an unfortunate coincidence that later the same day my mood came crashing down around my ears.
Around 4pm I became enraged with the entire world for no particular reason and I took it out on the zip of my coat which had got stuck at precisely the wrong moment. I then became even more incensed because I realised that my anger was massively disproportional and therefore probably a hormone thing since nothing had actually occurred to make me feel that way. I then totally lost it because I was really sick and tired of being controlled by mad f**king hormones that make me act like a lunatic. Since I had no way of actually getting my own back on the hormones I threw my coat on the floor and stamped on it like a petulant child and that act felt slightly soothing. Once my melodramatic episode reached a crescendo I had a massive ugly cry in the bathroom and then flopped around the kitchen weeping with despair because I was behaving like a total dick head and now I had foot prints on my coat. After that hormonal outpouring I was exhausted physically and mentally so could nothing more than sulk quietly until bedtime and internally beat myself up for not behaving in a calm and rational manner. I also had a banging headache.
Turns out it probably wasn’t fate that caused my little ‘upset’ and was more than likely my own fault as I have been regularly forgetting to take my supplements – ironic since they are supposed to improve memory function. I am trying not to take the return of the mood swings to heart, they have come hand in hand with hot flushes and brain fog so I am hoping that once I actually remember to take the supplements things will improve again. I have set a load of reminders on my phone which now seems to be going off every five minutes to remind me of something or other, it’s already starting to irritate me and sometimes it actually makes me jump. In the mean time I am going to consider Mondays little outburst as a minor setback and look for more ways to bring calmness and serenity into my life.
Cold tea and muddy wellies 